Working on my aim.

Currently my life is nothing short of a chaotic mess.

I'm running in 5 directions at once, which obviously results in me getting nowhere... or maybe not nowhere, but definitely not where I want to go in 4 out of the 5 directions.

What am I doing, you ask? "What am I not doing?" is perhaps the better question. My life has taken some large and significant turns over the last two years. If you factor in the last 5, it's just beyond comprehension.

2004 - divorce and move to Vermont, lose 15 lbs.

2005 - Serious but brief relationship, move to Houston, become broke, move home to Duluth, lose another 5 lbs.

2006 - Start serious relationship with a sloth, gain 15 lbs.

2007 - End serious relationship with sloth, spend the rest of the year wasting more time with sloth. Develop riding goals and start working on judging certification.

2008 - Get promoted, work life in an uproar, no progress on the CPA exam, finally ditch the sloth for good, run WAAAY too many horse shows, be financially irresponsible and just generally behave like a complete mess. Start skiing again, put my horse on the back burner.

2009 - Go crazy skiing. Pay someone else to play with my horse. Trying to re-establish my direction at work, join an e-zine, lose 5 lbs and trying to ground my sense of self. Set goal to do a short course triathlon in 6 months, get my judging scores in 6 months, pass the CPA exam in 6 months.... oh holy FUCK, how the heck am I supposed to do all that?!

Life confusion, TODAY... ski well, don't ski well, ski well again. Feel skinnier, look skinnier, feel fat again, LOOK fat again. Feel inspired, feel left behind, feel like I can take on the world and TKO. Want something, want nothing, want anything! See the distance, see everything around me, see nothing but my tunnel vision with a truck in the way.

The thoughts in my head are dizzying and move at the speed of light. One topic, another topic, a third and then circle back to the first. A little nervous, almost queasy... did I have too much caffeine? Yes. Not real stress then, just the coffee. Breathe in, and breathe the stress out with it. Wash, rinse, repeat. Pause for thought- my thoughts would confuse many people. Un-pause. Re-orient the antenna... proceed with normal programming.

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It's Valentine's Day. I'm single. I haven't had a "good" Valentine's day since 2003, and haven't had sex on Valentine's Day since 2004. I read the preceding paragraphs and think it's possibly a good thing I've been single for two years. I've been pseudo-stalked by a string of booty-texters, but I'm quite sure that doesn't count. I shouldn't complain, I could be single with no entertainment from the inebriated masses.

My dear friend Jimmy sent me the the following text this morning: "Happy Valentine's Day... The most smurftastic, smurfarific, F-ing day of the year! Thanks Mr. Hershey!"

My response: "And thank you Mr. Valentine for being executed, too!"

His response: "I heart hangings and beheadings!"

How can you dislike V.D. (I freaking laugh every time I say that abbreviation) when you have super-fantastic friends who say things like "I heart hangings and beheadings!" I died laughing, much to the chagrin of my father, who during this interchange was attempting to make a point to my mother and I on the specific reasons why the current economic stimulus package will flop. After the third or fourth time I interrupted him, laughing and chuckling to myself, "I heart hangings and beheadings, AUGH, I'm dying... so sorry dad, please continue!" he finally gave up. God bless my father.

What are the directions I'm being pulled right now, you may ask? Writing. Riding and managing shows. Skiing/potentially triathlon-ing. Working. CPA-ing.

I think half the reason I'd like to meet someone is because then I've have some kind of magnetic north around which to plot my course. I don't necessarily need to *go* north, but knowing where north is, suddenly the other directions may become more clear. When you can change your own north at will, because it's merely internal, it's that much easier to find yourself becoming disoriented.

Some food for thought.

E.